Welcome to Round Two of the league. Remember me telling you last time that things were going to get violent? Well the teams didn’t let me down. There will be blood…
Let’s get the most painful bit out of the way first shall we?
The Hurdy Gurdy Hitmen 4 – Magnusson’s Marauders 1
Ouch. That’s all I can say. You, my friends, have witnessed the worst Blood Bowl defeat I have ever experienced in my whole time of playing. I blame two people for this. Firstly, Kilowog from the Both Down podcast and secondly, myself. After hearing Kilowog’s excellent theory on playing Norse super aggressively, I stupidly told my friend, Tom (who is a pretty good player anyway) about it. He was picking which team to play for the league at the time and decided to test Kilowog’s theory. And now it’s come back to bite me on the ass.
In his previous game one of Tom’s beserkers, named Thor, gained dodge, and in this game he proved himself to be a grade A superstar/arsehole. Repeatedly he punched through my defensive lines with ease, and even if I did manage to take him down, he has the Jump Up skill anyway. As the game went on, Tom started to test Thor by throwing into some crazy play situations, but miraculously he escaped each totally unharmed and usually went on to score, 3 Touchdowns total by the end of the match! It was truly a marvel to behold (no pun intended). I tried my best to punish him for these actions, but to no avail. Hopefully, one of Tom’s future opponents will avenge me (pun intended, Ahhhhh).
Despite the Norse team’s low armour value I couldn’t seem to do much more than stun a lot of them, with a few knockouts here and there. Both teams managed an interception during the game which was impressive/infuriating, one of them being caught by one of my Chaos Warriors! Sweet! It’s not all bad though as none of my players were seriously injured and graced by the Chaos Gods one of my players mutated and grew an extra arm!
“I told you I was ill” 3 – The Redmist Reavers 0
Looks like Chaos was in for a beating this round as the Redmist Reavers seemed to suffer the same fate as my team! Robin, the Reavers coach, really does not seems to have the best luck with dice games however. I think somewhere down the line he’s really pissed off Lady Luck and she’s getting back at him big time.
The Lack Lustrians 3 – The Ironbeard Guard 0
A dark cloud hung over this match. Despite levelling up last game and gaining a +1 to his armour stat, Trollchewer the Trollslayer is no more. His lust for battle has seen him to an early grave. This has earned The Lack Lustrians a place in the Ironbeard Guard’s Book of Grudges.
The dwarves managed to take out Tenquax the Saurus with an injury bad enough for him to miss the next game, but the Lizardmen chalk up another impressive victory in this league.
Da Smashy Hitterz 1 – Al Gore’s Man Bear Pig Appreciation Society 0
More blood was spilt and more skulls were crushed in this match. The Orcs managed to grind the nimble Skaven to a halt, then proceeded to grind their bones into dust. Their unbreakable line was too much for the ratmen and Yurt the Black, a skaven thrower with a promising career ahead of him, was cut down in his prime, having his neck snapped by a over zealous Orc. The rest of the team didn’t fair that much better, well I guess they did in that they are still alive, but 3 of the skaven will be missing their next matches due to injury!
We just want to be loved 0 – Ming’s Marauders 0
Shockingly a scoreless draw! By rights the Dark Elves should’ve out paced the sluggish (and slug-like) Nurgle team. I didn’t see much of this match but I did hear that Cuddles, the beast of Nurgle, managed to actually catch the ball. Not something you see everyday. I suspect that Cuddles didn’t so much catch it as maybe the ball bounced his way and got stuck in his vile, sickening ichor that excretes from his body. The other thing I’ve noticed from post match is maybe the reason M’sM didn’t score was they were taking a beating, especially line-elf Lecibnitol who ended up losing a point of strength!
Unnamed Orc Team 1 – Unnamed Goblin Team 0
Well Rob (who hasn’t actually named his team yet) got a buy this round against Michael’s Goblin team, who without even playing a match has retired from the league. This must be a first for a Goblin team, surviving intact from a Blood Bowl league. Their winning strategy was to never take the field in the first place!
Fantasy Football Results Table
Total SPP Team Name
57 Bellend Hogs
56 RRRiot POW-Lice
52 The Southland Alliance
51 Clueless Wonders
43 The Menagerie of Malcontent’s
41 The Donkey Men
41 Traci Lords of Change
39 Team Hatstand
34 Doc’s Depraved Delinquents
23 Van Hemlock’s Vandals
Bit of a shake up in the league here. Kilowog’s Bellend Hogs make a massive leap up the table, just pipping the RRRiot POW-Lice by one point despite the strong line up. Van Hemlock’s Vandals have a pretty good round, picking up 22 points even with a few players missing this round due to injuries.
Players that will be missing the next round include:
Tenquax (The Lack Lustrians)
“Dirty” Pigdish Jawpunt (Da Smashy Hitterz)
Hirt, Zast and Jizzwink (Al Gore’s Man Bear Pig Appreciation Society)
Newly hired players:
Grendal the Snow Troll (The Hurdy Gurdy Hitmen)
Cidan the Blitzer (Ming’s Marauders)
Shagrax the Gutter Runner (Al Gore’s Man Bear Pig Appreciation Society)
Now let us have a moment of silence for the fallen:
Thanks for reading, folks. See you on the pitch soon!